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So afraid to grow up.

Jan. 31st, 2008 | 06:50 pm
mood: scaredscared

I'm stressing out. I'm so afraid I'm going to get cancer again. It's too soon and I use to be so sure I'd never get it again. But then this pain in my side, I've felt it before.

It's just a pulled muscle... that I don't remember pulling.


Fearing the future,
The chance that my life will be interrupted again.
I can only overcome so much.

Stop testing me Lord,
What must I do to have 1 straight week of rest?

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That book

Jan. 30th, 2008 | 01:52 am
location: Home
mood: fullfull

Ever since I was struck with such boredom I've been thinking of starting to write some... rather compile the notes I have just scattered in many places that I wrote to hide, to get off my chest. I'd eventually like to get it started and finished. Professionally binded just for my own use. Not to sell, because it won't be a big seller.

I am a poet who puts emotions in motion,
Yearns to make ugly things shine with beauty.
It makes things bearable.

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Abandoned - Gmg

Jan. 29th, 2008 | 12:19 am

Oh baby please save me,
As my Lord sits back with solemn eyes.

I feel abandoned and
I am not stronger from these ridiculous tries.

Never in my life had I wanted to run,
Run to you.
Knowing that your embrace will save me from what lingers outside.

I am in need of a savior who will watch and confide.

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I wish I would have taken the plunge.

Jan. 28th, 2008 | 11:57 pm
location: Home
mood: sadsad

To lay there in your bed with more then enough blankets and pillows. All a mess, in knots and twists.

To tell you exactly this while my head lay on your chest and my hand on your stomach.

You are a wonderful piece of work,
Your mind, and heart are astounding just as all humans are.
But that heart is mine and your mind is solely on me now as I speak.
I love you.
Handsome, funny, kind, your faith, intelligence, and your quirks.
How lucky am I to have a light in my life even if there are only a few left.
You are the brightest my love even if the distance threatens to dull that.

I miss you.

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It's been a while

Mar. 27th, 2007 | 09:48 pm

I feel so hopeless. Bawling like a baby and I don't know who to talk to. I want a hug, I want to hold Zac's hand even just for a minute. I want him to say "You're still beautiful" and I want to believe it.

It's almost painful, I can get past the puking the poking and downing too many pills but I can't deal with the lack of self confidence. I can't it hurts the worst to feel so damn unpretty. I don't look in mirrors anymore, no need to. I don't put on makeup or brush my hair. It only makes me want to cry. I did today at Megee when I went to the bathroom. My eyebrows, they look horrid. Almost gone and my eyelashes fall out each time I blink. I wanted to buy a dress. I want to FEEL pretty. This part has really taken a toll on me. I've lost my sense of self and it's frightening. I'm breaking down. Finally...

Gah so shitty. I can't write and I don't remember being so upset. I need a hug.


I'm beautiful inside,
But not on the out.

Everything that's made me;
Feminine,
Confident,
Happy,
Me.
Is gone.

No eyelashes to bat,
Or hair to twirl,
Eyebrows to raise,
Or bangs to curl.

Feeling so small,
So sick of the pity,
I am not weak,
Just don't feel pretty.

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I Tripped

Mar. 3rd, 2007 | 01:45 am


Lust tripped me up today,
Weak in the knees,
Heart and mind.

It's brand new.

I yearn for your being to hang above me,
To feel the weight of your warm skin,
Pressing me deeper into the sheets.

Smother each other in kisses,
Fleeting touches in various places,
Nips n' licks adorn every inch.

Feel breathless and full of air simultaneously,
Chests falling only to rise to meet time and time again.
The closeness I feel is unexplainable.

The current of everything life is made of,
Flows back and forth,
Chipping away at the negativity of the past month.

That I've been lacking you.

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Alphabet Poem - First Sight

Mar. 3rd, 2007 | 01:44 am

Not my favorite, but it was for Journalism Class.


A t first I saw you standing there
B ecause we were waiting in line
C ouldn’t be anymore apart really
D umb ropes…
E veryone else is separating us
F rom what exactly… I dare not say
G oodness, won’t this line budge?
H ow happy would you be to know what was on my mind?
I f I were to join you in line
J ust by cutting a few people
“K ill” and other hostilities would be floating in their heads
L ines tend to bring out the worst in people
M ean, rude, all those negative meaning words
N ow back to you…
O ver the sea of heads, standing there waiting is you with
P apers in hand
Q ueer how people meet
R ight where we would least expect it
S tanding in a line
T here are endless possibilities
U nimaginable places
V ery familiar places
W ho are you? What is your name?
X avier maybe, that’s a cute name… (oh, no…)
Y ou are moving (my line is still on hold)
Z igzagging through the stuffy atmosphere between the red velvet ropes, without me…

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I Remain Unchanged

Mar. 3rd, 2007 | 01:42 am


The first time I've crumpled in a year,
I'm upset and stricken with a pang of confusion.

I am a human too.
I have feelings.

"I'll call you tonight, I promise"

I'm torn and tired of understanding.
Love...
Do you even know the meaning?
To lead, catch, and lie to someone,
For a year?

I was ignorant.
I doubt that state will change.
Until you come home and remember the deep love you have for;
My body and passiveness.

You've made friends,
That's great,
Because it's hard I know.

But...
What about your best friend?
Your closest friend,
--> She's drifting and alright with it.
That hurts her the most, more then your forgetfulness of her.

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Define Comfort

Mar. 3rd, 2007 | 01:41 am


Your hand to my chest,
You uttered sweet words,
About the inner workings underneath.
How wonderful it was to feel my heart beat at a perfect pace.

Made me feel human,
Appreciated and real.

Time transforms us

Your hand to my chest,
You feed me vibes of earthly lust,
About the outer workings of me.
How wonderful it was to feel the warmth in those forbidden places.

Made me feel womanly,
Dizzy and loved.

Time transforms me

Into a more emotional,
Less physical being.
Missing your outreaches soaked with care.
Rethinking these actions:
Quick farewells
{it's always you}
Dry loveless lips
{it's always you}
And little concern about "what I did today"
{it's always you}

You expect to come home,
To your "mistress" of some sort,
I'll enjoy it I know,
But what about afterwards?
After you head for home...
Forgetting to call,
To tell me your safe.

Time allows comfort to set in,
{to soothe, console, or reassure; bring cheer to}
Such a positive reflection,
And yet I don't see the full sphere within us.

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The Unsure and Untold

Mar. 2nd, 2007 | 11:05 pm


It's funny how I feel so much,
For whom I feel so little,
Am I lying to myself?
Why...
Can it not be detected?
Or,
Redirected into plainer sight?


Are these tense moments,
Just a facade,
That come running to the aid,
Of my lonely heart?


What about the quivers,
The shivers,
That ring up and down my spine,
Are they for you or just some other sign?


Is it just a random twitch?
The uncontrollable smile,
Or...
My heart telling me,
Bothering me,
Yelling to me...
Your worthwhile?


Black and white?
No, black and blue.
I've been beating myself up,
Trying to hide this from you.


I don't know how to explain,
What's in my head...
But I choose to maintain,
The filing cabinet labeled "You"

As so...

In a frenzy I stuff:
The things you,
Say
Gave
Said
Received
Away in a malformed box.
Not nearly adorned,
With enough safety locks.


I continue to ignore,
Even though it's you...
My soul adores.
So deeply it's:
Frighteningly
Threateningly
Scary.

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